


Super Naruto

by esama



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe, Character Bashing, Gen, Parody, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-13
Updated: 2014-01-13
Packaged: 2018-01-08 15:27:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1134293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/esama/pseuds/esama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At early age Naruto is attacked and thus he comes in contact with his inner demon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Super Naruto

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on fanfiction.net on 01/18/2010  
> Proofread by Darlene and Toma

Naruto was being hunted down by a random mob of villagers. They wanted to kill him for some not-very-well-explained reason that had something to do with a particularly large member of the vulpine family. So he hid behind a trash can.

"Why is it always me? What did I do? Why isn't anyone helping me? Why do they hate me so much?" he angsted, shedding cute little uke-tears when a random angry-mob-person came and knocked him into convenient unconsciousness. His last thought was of tear-flavoured ramen.

The Kyuubi growled its best evil-demon growl. " **I hate you. And your stupid father, too. I know he was your father because I have phenomenal cosmic powers. Also! I had a very good reason for why I did what I did; and really, you humans are stupid for not knowing that I had a _very_ good reason. I speak in an inhuman voice, too, as the bolded text tells you. And I'm a woman. Behold my bewbs and devilishly sexy vixen ways**!"

"Excuse me?" asked the confused and adorably scared Naruto, before getting right back to the angst. "Oh my god, you're the Kyuubi! You're the reason everyone hates me, and treats me so badly, and never gives me ramen; I hate you, I wish you had cancer!"

The fox growled in _her_ second best evil-demon growl of utter annoyance. " **Stfu. Now, here, have some random bloodline limit I just made up. Now, cry some cute uke-tears or gtfo!** "

Naruto cried cute uke-tears of confusion and was kicked out of his own mind, regardless.

Later the Third Hokage, who has the power of changing the tense from past to present, gives him some more or less bullshit explanation. And then he places him to live with a random, powerful Shinobi who is supposed to protect him, but ends up teaching him kick-ass Ninjutsu and spending several hours marvelling over Naruto's random bloodline limit which the Kyuubi had made up.

(Except it wasn't the Kyuubi, her name was Bakatsune the Fourth and she was a princess of a long lost nation. Also, she was a witch, a half goddess, and had two mothers and no father; because the story needs some randomness! Yay! She has a mysterious, tragic past, too. But that isn't really relevant to the story.)

Several years later, Naruto was a kick-ass, bloodline-wielding genius and for some reason was still in the academy. Sakura was an annoying bitch, and Sasuke was a prick despite the fact that Naruto had heroically saved his family several years ago.

**FLASHBACK**

Naruto stared at Itachi. Itachi stared back. The epic stare-down was _epic_. Finally, Naruto slowly reached for his ultimate weapon and held it up, ready to use it to the best of his ability.

"Pocky?" he offered… and they were ambiguous best friends forever. Itachi didn't kill his family because Naruto told him not to. But he still went and joined Akatsuki for some mysteriously tragic reasons that might have some effect on the plot later on. Though probably not.

**FLASHBACK END**

Likewise, despite being a genius of gigantic proportions and having a sexy, foxy vulpine fox-like vixen teaching him things she shouldn't know - seeing she was a fox and all - and that random ninja who raised him too - but as he is an OC; no one really cares about him - he still failed the academy graduation exam thingy.

"Why always the _Bunshin_? For some reason, even though I can do pretty much any jutsu I can think of, I can't do a _Bunshin_. Why did it have to be _Bunshin_?" he asks in a random change to present tense, as he has a small angst scene while swinging at a swing. "How could this happen to meee~?"

Enter asshole!Mizuki-sensei and a brief insertion of the canon plot where Naruto goes and steals the huge scroll of Forbidden Techniques and whatnot. But, in a sudden plot-twist, he doesn't learn just the _Kage Bunshin_ , but two other very awesome Techniques as well. But no more than two, because that would be to close to making his Gary-Stu-ness even more obvious than it already is. He still uses the _Kage Bunshin_ to kick Mizuki's ass in a dramatic, heroic and slightly angsty way: because the author has yet to decide what sort of other stuff he actually learned.

The next day he was a ninja, and to his utter disgust was put on the same team as the most intelligent girl and the most intelligent boy of their class: not Shikamaru, though, because he's too busy complaining about how troublesome it was to actually make an effort in class. Naruto angrily angsts about how annoying Sakura and Sasuke will be to work with. But dreams of a career as an ANBU! No, a Hunter-nin! No, a torture expert! Or a diplomatic ambassador to a faraway land that no one has ever heard of; where he will marry a beautiful princess and they will live happily ever after. But Sasuke and Sakura will totally hold him back; being only normal levels of smart and not utter sparkling brilliant geniuses, like he was. And they were arrogant too.

He vents out his anger and drops a blackboard eraser on Kakashi's head. Kakashi disapproves. Then Naruto remembers that he had forgotten something and has a sudden flashback.

**FLASHBACK**

"Omg, niisan, ur so kakkoii!! Be my bro and teach me awsum techniques!"

"No wai!1 I teach u sexijutsu instead."

"Omg, yay! But I still can't beat my sensei. Is no good!!!1 I want to be Hokage instead of the Hokage!!!"

"U lameass punk, u got it all wrong!!! I wanna be the Hokage, too!!! U gotta get through me first!!!1!"

"Omg niisan, ur so sugoiii! We r rivals nao!!!!1"

 **FLASHBACK END** (Somewhere, Grammar died. He was buried next to his loving wife, Punctuation. Their evil step-brother's sister's father's other child's grandfather's grandchild, Txtspeech, stood upon their graves and laughed victoriously. Then some heroic Beta shot him. Repeatedly.)

"For the next few paragraphs, let's rehearse the script of the manga. Ahem, introductions," Kakashi, who also has the power of changing the tense, said. "Your likes, dislikes, dreams, and let's throw in slight references to mentally scarring traumas and tragically mysterious pasts. Go."

"Blaa blaa, you first, sensei, blaa," Naruto nodded. He had read the script too (and now had epic divination powers).

"Blaa blaa, nothing much, blaa," Kakashi snorted.

"Blaah blaah blaah?" Naruto asked irritably.

"Blaah," Kakashi nodded with satisfaction and then motioned Naruto to go ahead: "Your turn."

"What the deuce?" Sasuke muttered, but he's lamer and a minor character, and would never get internet references anyway.

Sakura shows her shocking ability to control the tense, and parrots fangirlism. Sasuke proves that he is still an avenger despite having nothing to avenge - except maybe the fact that Itachi has a cooler mysterious past than he does - and Naruto and Bakatsune mock them in his mind because saying anything out loud isn't in the script. Kakashi is boring and canon-cardboard-cut-out and tells them about the Bell Test.

Naruto, because he is an uber genius and because Bakatsune knows everything, knows what he has to do in the test to win. He dramatically convinces Sasuke and Sakura to work with him, and then comes up with an awesome plan to beat Kakashi. And then, in a show of dramatic and random un-selfishness, he lets the two have the bells; even though he hates them. Because he has an angsty moment and knows that, in the end, everyone will always hate him and wouldn't like to see him graduate anyway and so on.

Kakashi forced the tense back to its place, and passed them all. Then he questioned Naruto on how come he had been the one to come up with the idea of teamwork; because despite being an uber-genius and ahead of his peers, Naruto was still somehow the dead last of the class. Kakashi was suspicious that Naruto had help from his tenant; who was currently busy painting her nails.

"How could you think I cheated?! I hate you forever, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto gasped and ran away: Angrily. Kakashi felt sorry for a moment, before shrugging his shoulders and going back to reading his porn.

While doing boring D-rank missions, which are very boring and tiresome, Naruto invented a new Ninjutsu or three. Then they get a very important mission because he has a very longwinded, loud and angsty moment in the Hokage's office. Some canon-script dialogue follows along with the appearance of a minor character, and off they go towards the epic fights of the Land of the Waves.

Heroically, Naruto - who has now mastered the art of the tense - beats the Demon Brothers somewhere along the way. He still gets a cut on his hand and dramatically slits the black of his hand open. Sasuke disapproves his cutting method and says that he ought to cut his _wrist_ , not the back of his hand. Naruto yells back, and Kakashi is not impressed, because that would be going too far from canon and he is getting tired of changing the tense after people screw it up. Tazuna-san, the super builder of super bridges of super tragedy, has a plot moment and explains life, the universe and everything. Or at least why people are trying to kill him.

And then the journey continues until an epic diversion strikes. A random plot bunny later, an eeevil ninja shows up wearing eeevil cow-pattern leggings. He also has funny sandals; Eeevil funny sandals. An epic battle ensues as Kakashi's more fashionable and acceptable uniform faces against the most eeevil pinstriped grandpa-pants ever. But alas, Zabuza's bare chest has the power of unappreciated fan service!

"Come, Sasuke, we must show our epic teamwork, which we shouldn't be able to do and which never happens again to save our beloved sensei!" Naruto cried, changing the tense because he doesn't want to seem like he's actually crying. Then he explained his overly complicated plan, which was directly copied from the canon, saving him from the trouble of thinking.

"Aside from teamwork, and the word _beloved_ used in conjunction with sensei… I have one problem with this plan," Sasuke said slowly. "If you turn into a windmill shuriken… exactly _what_ part of you am I grasping when I throw you?"

But the plan took place anyway; because Naruto couldn't bother to think of another one. They saved their sensei in an epic display of epic teamwork that for a second there almost gave the story-line some quality, but not really. Once more free, Kakashi faced against Zabuza's fan service, and decided to bring in an epic plot device!

"Hax," Sasuke muttered, but no one cared.

Then some freak in a mask showed up and took the eeevil pair of pinstriped grandpa-pants away, taking with him the dead body in them too. Kakashi falls in the most fail way ever, and Naruto explains that he did not aid his sensei further because he was biding his time; or possibly because he didn't want to interfere. Or maybe he simply didn't feel like it. In truth, canon was just easier to go along with.

They continued on to Tazuna's house, where Inari played the part of the resident wimp and Tsunami rehearsed her role of the random side character that, even in her most epic moment, will seem bland. Kakashi decided to have the team practicing some chakra walking, but Naruto was obviously too advanced for such a simple thing. He decides to go practice on his own, even though logically he should've gone with Tazuna like the bodyguard he had been hired to be. But that would get in the way of the canon plotline, which is about the only plotline the story actually has.

During training, he meets a cute girl who proves not to be a girl at all, but a guy who Naruto suspects to be a girl after all. By the time he gets to wondering why a girl would pretend to be a guy pretending to be a girl and whether he - or she - was really a boy pretending to be a girl pretending to be a guy pretending to be a girl, the girl - who actually might be pretending to be a boy pretending to be a girl pretending to be a boy pretending to be a girl - had already left.  He had a headache by the time hermaphroditism entered his theories about the girl pretending to be a boy pretending to be a girl, or boy pretending to be a girl. Then he knocked himself out.

The following day, another epic battle took place. This time it was not only Kakashi's fashion sense against Zabuza's grandpa-pants of doom, but Sasuke also got a role in an unsurprising display of canon skill sets because Naruto stayed behind since someone needed to save Inari and Tsunami from their side-plot death. So, it was up to Sasuke's avenger's duckbutt hair to match against girl!boy!hermaphtodite Haku's hair bun of past angst! Haku's hair bun comes out triumphant and Sasuke ended up in trouble, just in time to be heroically saved by no other than everyone's favourite, best, most awesome hero in the whole wide world: Naruto!

"Alright, chums, let's do this!" Naruto screams out. "NAAAARUUTOO… UUZUUMAAKIII!!!" And then, despite all logic and his uber-intelligence, he still goes into the ice dome with Sasuke.

"Stupid as hell," Sasuke says, and is pwned by Haku, who uses an epically overused tactic and somehow gets Sasuke to fall for it.

"Nyouoooo! Sasuke! Why did you do it?!" Naruto cried, half shocked and half sad and half outraged that Sasuke stole his emo spot.

"My body moved on its own," Sasuke rehearsed his canon-script reading skills. "It must've… been canon," he added. Then he died.

" **Naruto!** " cried Bakatsune. " **We must avenge the not-death! Because I totally know Sasuke isn't dead, but I am still** \- **for some odd reason** \- **outraged for our friend, whom we both hated no more than a few paragraphs ago, but now** \- **for some reason** \- **think of as our _best friend forever_ (just after Itachi-chan-sama-san-tan-desu-nee-nii)!** "

And then they pwned the ambiguous hermaphroditic she-male like no she-male has been pwned before - and stopped just in time for Haku to have a sad angsty monologue. It involved a mommy and a daddy who didn't love each other very much, and who loved their she-male child even less, and who ended up as faint blood splatters off-screen - and a mention of past bondage collars and beating up puppies.

The monologue ended when  Kakashi prepared to display some epic pwnage elsewhere, only to be stopped by Haku, who became a hero. A little later Zabuza also became a hero, but he did it in a slightly less angsty way, and ended some random cannon-fodder samurai and a midget-businessman before having some tragic last words.

"No, seriously, being a ninja can't be like this," Sakura said later on.

"No, this is pretty much it, most of the time," Kakashi answered. "Usually there is a little more talking, and a little less fighting than this; with several flashbacks. And some metaphors. And ambiguous references to future villains or past, tragic events. Possibly in silhouettes."

"No way," cried Naruto determinately. "I will establish my own Nindo! In my Nindo, I shall also have a monologue! And it will be an epic monologue to end all monologues! Because no way has anyone else as angsty a past as me! I will make everyone feel sorry for me - and then acknowledge me! Believe it!"

  And his idea was so brilliant that after they left, Tazuna named the bridge _The Great Gary Stu Bridge_. It stood for a glorious three days and nights and forty one minutes - and not forty two: never forty two - before a tidal wave of obscure internet memes destroyed it.

 


End file.
